Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Oh, sure, take away my will to live

I am a big coffee fan. Have been one ever since I was about 14, when I discovered the thrilling boot-to-the-head WAKE UP NOW!!! effects of a cup of java.

Granted, the coffee I drank then was bilge compared to what I like now: I drank what my parents drank, which was Maxwell House, percolated until it begged for mercy, and poured like so much Bunker C into a porcelain mug. My parents drank theirs black, but I preferred a strong dose of canned cow (that'd be evaporated milk) to cut the harsh taste.

These days I tend more toward the fancy-pants version of coffee: my current mug contains fair-traded, organic, shade-grown, dark-roasted Mexican. Is it pathetic of me to point out that when I go to bed at night, I smile slightly at the thought of waking up and drinking my first cup of the morning? Yeah, I thought so. Well, tough noogies. I do, and that's that.

Because, you see, I rely on my morning coffee to slap me into consciousness, whisk me painlessly upstairs to my desk, and force my eyes open so I can face another day's editing. That's why it pained me so deeply to read this article.

If I've got this straight, some British bloke is claiming that coffee doesn't actually enhance brain function at all. In fact, the whole "alertness" thing is actually just the coffee kicking in to remove the nasty groggy feeling that is the natural result of...coffee deprivation. So the coffee is actually just restoring my natural level of alertness, which kind of got lost overnight because I wasn't drinking coffee while I slept. Crap-tastic.

(Note to self: Investigate whether it's possible to drink coffee while sleeping. There has to be a way.)

Next thing you know, they'll be telling me that knitting doesn't actually keep me from killing people who irritate me. You know these scientist types. Always trying to take the joy out of living.

5 comments:

Stacy said...

How about a caffeine IV?

Mary Keenan said...

I wonder if this explains why I always want a nap even more *after* I have the cup of tea I hoped would wake me up? Also: why coffee deprivation leads to crabbiness in certain non-you people I know... it's withdrawal, yes?

Kathleen Taylor said...

I stopped caffeine about 15 years ago (I don't even remember why- it wasn't a philosophical objection to it) and the withdrawal was horrible. A month of headaches, and 3 months of fuzzy-brain. I lived without it happily for a very long time, but in the last couple of years, as I've been traveling a lot, I find myself having a caffeinated coffee here and there (when I have to drive to an airport at 4:00am, for example). I have a feeling that it's a slippery slope, and I'm on the slide. Whatever is true, or not true about caffeine, the one thing I know is that I'm never going to *quit* again. If I go back on the hard stuff, it's for life.

kmkat said...

Hello, my name is kmkat and I, too, fall asleep thinking happily about my morning latte. So much so that sometimes I make a decaff one in the evening just because I can.

Geek Knitter said...

claps hands over ears
la la la la laaaaaaa!

Can't hear you!